(THE
CASTLE STAFF EXITS. ENTER LANCELOT AND GUINEVERE FROM
CHAMBER #2. LANCELOT SPEAKS IN AN OVER-EXAGGERATED FRENCH
ACCENT. GUINEVERE MOVES TO THE END OF THE COUCH.)
|
| GUINEVERE:
|
(STRAIGHTENING HAIR AND CLOTHES,
NONE TOO IMPRESSED) Two whole minutes. I think that's a
new record. Maybe we can do it again some time.
|
| LANCELOT:
|
(BOWS, TAKES GUINEVERE'S HAND AND
KISSES HIS WAY UP HER ARM) Why, of course, my queen. Sir
Lancelot, knight of passion, is yours for the taking.
|
| GUINEVERE:
|
Uh-huh.
|
| LANCELOT:
|
Take me now, mon petit chou.
(PUSHES GUINEVERE OVER THE ARM OF THE COUCH AND CRAWLS ON
TOP OF HER.)
|
| GUINEVERE:
|
(PULLING HERSELF OUT FROM UNDER
LANCELOT AND CLIMBING OVER THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH.)
You know, I'll never understand what you Frenchies find
so romantic about cabbage.
|
| LANCELOT:
|
(CRAWLING ON HIS KNEES ACROSS THE
COUCH TO GET TO GUINEVERE) Why? The cabbage is so ripe,
so round, so firm, like --
|
(ENTER
EDITH IN A PANIC)
|
| EDITH:
|
Your majesty!
|
| LANCELOT:
|
Yes, very much like your majesty!
|
(LANCELOT
LUNGES AT GUINEVERE WHO STEPS OUT OF THE WAY, CAUSING
LANCELOT TO FALL OFF THE COUCH ON HIS FACE.)
|
| EDITH:
|
It's the king!
|
| GUINEVERE:
|
Quick, Lance. You must hide!
(GRABS LANCELOT BY HIS SHIRT AND DRAGS HIM, ON HIS KNEES,
TOWARDS CHAMBER #2.)
|
| LANCELOT:
|
Oh! Oui, your majesty! Oui! Oui!
|
(GUINEVERE
PROPELS LANCELOT INTO CHAMBER #2.)
|
| LANCELOT: |
Wheeeeee!!!!!
|
| GUINEVERE:
|
And we'll need this (GRABS THE
ARMOUR) and we'll need you. (GRABS EDITH)
|
| EDITH:
|
Your majesty!
|
(GUINEVERE
PUSHES EDITH INTO CHAMBER #2 AND EXITS AFTER HER)
|
| LANCELOT:
|
(FROM CHAMBER) Oh, boy! Menage a
trois! Menage a trois!
|
(SOUND OF A VERY LOUD
SLAP FROM CHAMBER)
|
| LANCELOT: |
Oh, yes, I was a naughty little
knight, wasn't I?
|
(ARTHUR
AND MERLIN ENTER FROM THE CASTLE ENTRANCE, TALKING.
MERLIN IS A VERY NERDY MAGE, MAYBE A ROBE WITH A POCKET
PROTECTOR AND TAPED GLASSES.)
|
| MERLIN:
|
Come on, Arthur. You're the ladies
man. You've got to help me win the heart of Morgan Le
Fay!
|
| ARTHUR:
|
My half-sister? Trust me, Merlin.
She's a lousy lay.
|
| MERLIN:
|
You snogged your own half-sister!
Eww, yuck!
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Whatever. Let's try something.
Pretend I'm a beautiful woman. What would you do?
|
| MERLIN:
|
(DEMONSTRATING AS HE TALKS) Well,
I'd strike a manly pose, saunter up to you and say (DEEP
VOICE) "Hi, I'm Merlin, son of a demon"
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Hi, I'm Merlin son of a demon?
|
| MERLIN:
|
I'm proud of my heritage.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Why not try talking about your
mother's side.
|
| MERLIN:
|
(UNSURE) Hi, I'm Merlin. I'm a
fairy.
|
(ENTER
GUINEVERE, EDITH AND LANCELOT FROM CHAMBER #2. EDITH IS
DRESSED ONLY IN HER UNDERCLOTHES. LANCELOT IS WEARING A
WIG AND HAS EDITH'S DRESS ON OVER HIS ARMOUR. LANCELOT
NOW SPEAKS IN A FRENCH-ACCENTED FALSETTO.)
|
| GUINEVERE:
|
Oh, hello, Arthur. I didn't hear
you come in. You know my lady-in-waiting, Edith ...
|
(EDITH
CURTSIES)
|
| GUINEVERE: |
... and this is my
old friend ... Lancelina.
|
(EDITH
NUDGES LANCELOT WHO CURTSIES)
|
| LANCELOT:
|
It is a pleasure to meet you, your
majesty.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Trust me, my darling, the pleasure
is all my mine. (TAKES LANCELOT'S HAND AND KISSES IT.)
|
| LANCELOT:
|
(GIGGLING GIRLISHLY AND PULLING
HAND AWAY) That tickles.
|
| GUINEVERE:
|
Lancelina was just leaving,
Arthur.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Merlin, go show Guinevere and
Edith your new magic trick, you know, the one that takes
forever.
|
| MERLIN:
|
Ohhh! That one. Right. Follow me,
ladies.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
I'll stay here and entertain our
guest.
|
| GUINEVERE:
|
(STIFLING A LAUGH) Whatever you
say, darling.
|
(MERLIN
EXITS TO THE OTHER ROOM. GUINEVERE AND EDITH FOLLOW.
MEANWHILE, LANCELOT TRIES TO SNEAK QUIETLY TOWARDS THE
EXIT OUT OF THE CASTLE. ARTHUR SPOTS HIM AND RUNS OVER TO
HIM.)
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Running away from
the king can be dangerous to your health. Come, sit on
the couch with me.
|
(ARTHUR
LEADS LANCELOT TO THE COUCH. ARTHUR SITS ON THE COUCH
JUST OFF-CENTRE. LANCELOT SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
COUCH, SQUEEZED AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO THE ARM.)
|
| ARTHUR: |
So, Lancelina, that's
a strange name.
|
(ARTHUR
MOVES SLIGHTLY CLOSER TO LANCELOT.)
|
| LANCELOT:
|
Oui. It is French.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
My friend Lancelot sent me
postcards of french women. Oo-la-lah!
|
(ARTHUR
MOVES STILL CLOSER TO LANCELOT AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND
HIM.)
|
| LANCELOT:
|
Your majesty, I never --
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Ooo! A virgin!
|
(ARTHUR
GETS STILL CLOSER TO LANCELOT WHO IS TRAPPED AGAINST THE
END OF THE COUCH AND CAN'T GET AWAY)
|
| LANCELOT:
|
I do not think --
|
| ARTHUR:
|
A french virgin who doesn't think!
K-ching! I have hit the jackpot!
|
(ARTHUR
GRABS LANCELOT AND IS ABOUT TO KISS HIM.)
|
| MORGAN:
|
(OFFSTAGE) Arthur! Wherefore art
thou, Arthur?
|
(ARTHUR
LOOKS UP. LANCELOT GRABS ARTHUR AND ROLLS HIM OVER THE
END OF THE COUCH. LANCELOT GETS UP AND RUNS AWAY TO
CHAMBER #3. ARTHUR STARTS TO CHASE AFTER HIM. ENTER
MORGAN LE FAY. SHE IS A FEMALE MAGICIAN, WHO LIKE MERLIN,
IS A GEEK. SHE SPEAKS IN A NASALLY SORT OF VOICE.)
|
| ARTHUR:
|
(DISINTERESTED) Hi, Morgan. What
can I do for you?
|
(DURING
THIS NEXT BIT, MORGAN IS OBLIVIOUS TO ARTHUR'S REPLIES AS
SHE SLINKS GEEKILY TOWARDS HIM, BACKING HIM UP AGAINST
THE WALL NEXT TO CHAMBER #3.)
|
| MORGAN:
|
Take me, brother, like you took me
once before.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
That was a mistake.
|
| MORGAN:
|
I want to hear the angels sing.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
I was drunk.
|
| MORGAN:
|
I want to feel the earth move.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
It was a choice between you and a
goat.
|
| MORGAN:
|
I want you to feel your sword in
my stone.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
I should've taken the goat!
|
(MORGAN
KISSES ARTHUR PASSIONATELY. ARTHUR BREAKS THE KISS.)
|
| ARTHUR: |
Someone's coming!
|
| MORGAN:
|
Oh, yes! Yes! YES!
|
(ARTHUR
GRABS MORGAN AND PUSHES HER INTO CHAMBER #3.)
|
| ARTHUR:
|
(TO MORGAN) Go ahead and start
without me.
|
(WHEN
ARTHUR IS NOT LOOKING, MORGAN PUSHES LANCELOT OUT OF
CHAMBER #3. HE HIDES IN #2. EDITH ENTERS FROM THE OTHER
ROOM STILL IN HER UNDERWEAR.)
|
| EDITH:
|
Oh, hello, your majesty.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Ah, Edith, the lady-in-waiting.
Waiting for me, perhaps?
|
| EDITH:
|
Well --
|
(ARTHUR
BEGINS ADVANCING ON EDITH, WHO IS SLOWLY BACKING AWAY.)
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Shh! This is not a time for words.
It is a time for action. And you're certainly dressed for
action.
|
| EDITH:
|
Actually, this was the Queen's
idea.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Really?!? And it's not even my
birthday.
|
(ENTER
NICK THE STABLE HAND, LIMPING SLIGHTLY, FROM THE CASTLE
ENTRANCE. WHILE NICK IS TALKING TO ARTHUR, KATE RUNS IN
FROM THE CASTLE ENTRANCE AND HIDES BEHIND THE COUCH. KATE
LOOKS LIKE SHE FELL IN A PILE OF MANURE.)
|
| NICK:
|
Excuse me, sire. I was just
mucking out the stable, when ... poof ... a strange girl
fell out of the sky right smack dab in the middle of my
pile of manure.
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Well, if there's a strange girl in
my castle, it's my kingly duty to mate ... er ... meet
her.
|
(EXIT
NICK AND ARTHUR TO THE CASTLE ENTRANCE.)
|
| EDITH:
|
(TO KATE) It's okay, they're gone.
Wanna tell me what's going on?
|
| KATE:
|
(COMING OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUCH)
One minute I'm in Waterloo. The next, I'm in Camelot up
to my ears in shit. All thanks to two geeks who are only
slightly brighter than a total eclipse.
|
| EDITH:
|
(SITTING ON THE COUCH) Oooo-kay.
Oh, and in case it wasn't obvious, watch out for the
king.
|
| KATE:
|
Huh?
|
| EDITH:
|
You're a beautiful woman. King
Arthur collects beautiful women like other kings collect
taxes.
|
| KATE:
|
(SITTING DOWN NEXT TO EDITH) He
won't get me. I'm a lesbian.
|
| EDITH:
|
I don't think your nationality
matters.
|
| KATE:
|
No, you don't under-- Do you
really think I'm beautiful?
|
(ENTER
NICK AND ARTHUR FROM THE CASTLE ENTRANCE.)
|
| ARTHUR:
|
Ah, you must be our mysterious
guest, my dear.
|
| KATE:
|
The name is Kate, not my dear.
|
| ARTHUR: |
A rose by any other
name would smell as sweet.
|
(ARTHUR
GRABS KATE'S HAND. SHE STRUGGLES AGAINST HIM BUT HE
SUCCEEDS IN TAKING HER HAND AND IS ABOUT TO KISS IT WHEN
HE NOTICES THE SMELL.)
|
| ARTHUR: |
Phew! You'd better
get cleaned up. (INDICATES CHAMBERS). I'll join you
shortly.
|
| KATE: |
Oh, boy, I can hardly
wait.
|
(KATE
EXITS TO CHAMBER #3.)
|
| NICK: |
I think she'll clean
up to be a right purty filly, if you know what I mean.
|
| ARTHUR: |
Yup, Excalibur will
be carving a few notches on the old bed post tonight. (TO
EDITH) Perhaps I can persuade you to join us.
|
| NICK: |
No offense, sire, but
Edith's *my* girlfriend. You can't have your Kate and
Edith too.
|
(MORGAN
FLEES FROM CHAMBER #3 WITH KATE REACHING AFTER HER.
MORGAN HIDES IN CHAMBER #2. LANCELOT FLEES FROM CHAMBER
#2 AND HIDES IN CHAMBER #1.)
|
| EDITH: |
(MOVING TO NICK) So,
Nick, do you have the riding crop?
|
| NICK: |
Yes, and I've oiled
the saddle.
|
| EDITH: |
(DROPPING TO HER
HANDS AND KNEES IN FRONT OF NICK) Ride'm, cowboy!
|
| NICK: |
(CLIMBING ON EDITH'S
BACK) So long, sire, we're off to horse around in the
stable.
|
(EDITH
AND NICK EXIT TO THE CASTLE ENTRANCE.)
|
| ARTHUR: |
(TO THE AUDIENCE) Ah,
the burdens of kingship. Do I want what's behind door
number one, door number two, or door number three? Hmmm.
Well, three always was my lucky number.
|
(ARTHUR
EXITS TO CHAMBER #3. KATE, HALF-DRESSED, EXITS AND FLEES
TO #2. MORGAN FLEES #2 AS ARTHUR EXITS #3. ARTHUR SPOTS
MORGAN AND FLEES. MORGAN CHASES ARTHUR AROUND THE COUCH
AND INTO #1. LANCELOT FLEES #1. ARTHUR FLEES #1 FIGHTING
OFF MORGAN. ARTHUR SPOTS LANCELOT FLEEING FOR THE
ENTRANCE.)
|
| ARTHUR: |
Wait! Come back, my
little french tickler, it's time for the British
invasion.
|
(LANCELOT
EXITS WITH ARTHUR IN PURSUIT. ENTER MERLIN AND GUINEVERE
FROM THE OTHER ROOM. MERLIN IS WEARING HANDCUFFS,
STRUGGLING TO GET OUT OF THEM.)
|
| MERLIN: |
Don't worry, your
majesty. I have an extra key in my other robe.
|
(MORGAN
STICKS HER HEAD OUT OF CHAMBER #1)
|
| MORGAN: |
Arthur? He's gone,
isn't he?
|
| GUINEVERE: |
'Fraid so.
|
(MORGAN
ENTERS FROM CHAMBER #1.)
|
| MORGAN: |
(SIGHS) I should have
known better. Someone like me doesn't stand a chance with
the great King Arthur.
|
| GUINEVERE: |
Truth to tell, it's
more like the mediocre-on-a-good-day King Arthur.
Actually, the same can be said for Lancelot ... and Kay
... and Bedivere ... and Percival ... and --
|
| MORGAN: |
I get the idea.
|
| GUINEVERE: |
Look, I'm just saying
it may take a while to find what you're looking for.
|
| MORGAN: |
Do you really think
there's someone for me?
|
| GUINEVERE: |
There must be lots of
guys who find you attractive. Right, Merlin?
|
(DURING
THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION, GUINEVERE SLOWLY AND
KNOWINGLY BACKS OFF AND EXITS TO THE OTHER ROOM.)
|
| MERLIN: |
(NERVOUSLY) Right.
|
| MORGAN: |
(APPROACHING MERLIN)
Do *you* find me attractive?
|
| MERLIN: |
Gosh, I think you're
even prettier than that great silver cloud you get when
you add the powdered bat wings to a love potion.
|
| MORGAN: |
Wow! *You* can make
love potions! Mine just fizzle.
|
| MERLIN: |
Do you use
prepowdered bat wings or do you powder them yourself?
|
| MORGAN: |
Merlin, did anyone
ever tell you that you have the cutest way of scrunching
your nose up when you talk?
|
| MERLIN: |
Morgan, I love you.
Ever since that day in the lab when we both reached for
the eye of newt at the same time. Our hands touched and I
knew right then and there that you and I would spend the
rest of our lives making beautiful magic together.
|
| MORGAN: |
Oh, Merlin! (GRABS
MERLIN AND KISSES HIM)
|
| MERLIN: |
By the way, did I
mention that my father was a demon?
|
| MORGAN: |
Cool!
|
(EXIT
MORGAN AND MERLIN TOWARDS THE CASTLE ENTRANCE. KATE PEEKS
OUT OF CHAMBER #2, SEES THERE IS NO ONE AROUND AND
ENTERS. SHE IS NOW DRESSED IN MALE CLOTHING, INCLUDING AN
EXAGERATED CODPIECE. SHE CARRIES A HAT.)
|
| KATE: |
(PUTTING THE HAT ON
WITH HER HAIR UP UNDER IT) There. That old lech will
never recognize me dressed as a man. (GRABS CROTCH AND
ADJUSTS CODPIECE)
|
(ENTER
LANCELOT RUNNING FROM THE CASTLE ENTRANCE. HE SPOTS KATE
AND SHE SPOTS HIM. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER AND SLOWLY
CIRCLE THE COUCH UNSURE OF EACH OTHER. FINALLY, KATE
TACKLES LANCELOT AND THE TWO GO DOWN ON THE FLOOR
TOGETHER WITH KATE ON TOP.)
|
| LANCELOT: |
Non, non, Monsieur. I
am ... a lesbian.
|
| KATE: |
Great! So am I!
|
(KATE
ATTEMPTS TO KISS LANCELOT. HE ROLLS HER OFF HIM AND
STANDS UP. ENTER ARTHUR FROM THE CASTLE ENTRANCE.)
|
| ARTHUR: |
There you are, my
little french fry. Let me smother you in catsup and eat
you from head-to-toe.
|
| LANCELOT: |
Non!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
(ARTHUR
CHASES LANCELOT AROUND THE STAGE AND BACK OUT THE CASTLE
ENTRANCE. KATE STANDS. ENTER GUINEVERE FROM THE OTHER
ROOM, LOOKING FORLORN. SHE DOES NOT NOTICE KATE AND SITS
DOWN ON THE COUCH AND SIGHS.)
|
| KATE: |
(TO GUINEVERE) Hello.
(CORRECTS VOICE TO BE DEEPER) Hello, I'm Kate ... tar.
Katar. The name's Katar. (MOVES TO SIT ON COUCH BESIDE
GUINEVERE)
|
| GUINEVERE: |
You're not from
around here, are you, Katar? That's a very unusual name.
|
| KATE: |
I'm a very unusual
man. (PULLS OUT HANDKERCHIEF AND HANDS IT TO GUINEVERE)
Here. We can't have tears ruining that beautiful face.
What's wrong?
|
| GUINEVERE: |
You want to talk
about me? You *are* an unusual man. I just want someone
to make me happy, someone who talks to me as an equal,
someone who cares what I'm feeling, someone who has
sparkling blue eyes. Oh, Katar! I want you!
|
(GUINEVERE
POUNCES ON KATE AND STARTS CARESSING HER.)
|
| GUINEVERE: |
You're so soft ...
|
| KATE: |
There's something you
should know --
|
| GUINEVERE: |
(OBLIVIOUS TO KATE'S
WORDS) ... so tender ... (BEGINS TO MOVE HAND TOWARDS
CODPIECE.)
|
| KATE: |
I'm not what you
think you I am --
|
| GUINEVERE: |
(CARESSING CODPIECE)
... so -- (CODPIECE COMES OFF IN HER HAND)
Arggggghhhhhhhh! I broke it! I broke you!
|
| KATE: |
Calm down, Guinevere.
I'm really a woman.
|
| GUINEVERE: |
A woman! But you ...
and ... me?
|
| KATE: |
Why not?
|