to the tune of:

"If I Were a Rich Man"

 

If I were a hitman
With a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-boom
All day long, I'd send folks to their doom
Trying hard to meet demand
I wouldn't kill for profit
Not a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-ching
I'd work for the cagey KGB
Never ever earning anything

I would get my orders direct from the Kremlin
To kill enemies of the state
Anytime the politburo got the urge
Be it authors writing about human rights
Or priests who are preaching God is great
That's the time for a good old Sov-yet purge

I would never question whether it's wrong or right
To be the premier's iron fist
I would only want to keep my fam'ly fed
I'd wonder why the dissidents would rebel
When it just makes the government pissed
Don't they know that it's better red than dead?

If I were a hitman
With a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-pow
I'd be loved and honoured in Moscow
Ev'ry bureaucrat my fan
But is that what I'm wanting?
All that rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-blam
Or should I stick to the current plan
And remain the simple spy I am?
Could I live with what the job demands?
Would I be a happy man?